Guilt

If I think about the last time I actually got out and did something, I can probably date it back to some time last summer. I trully dont know. So we thought lets go out and go bowling Saturday night. All of my cousins were going. And it was the last night to do "scotch doubles". I hate bowling! However, I thought Eric likes it, so lets go.

That day, Logan was quite fussy. He is here and there. But he is never ever like that for a whole day. And by night time, I thought well maybe we should stay home. Well we were working on wedding invitations for my brothers wedding. And He was starting to get super cranky. So I said we are not going out tonight. We will stay home. Well then we swaddled him and he was better. And I gave him some Tylenol because he felt a little warm. And well it wasnt going to hurt. I held him. And he was okay and started to be playful. So I was like okay we can go. And of course my Mom and Dad said it was fine even if he was not feeling okay. But that was not okay with me. He comes before any night out. And he comes before anything period. And Eric was totally in agreement with me. I had said prior to having him that I would not be going out and doing things once I had a baby. That I felt that when we finally had children, that all those days were over. But after talking with people, I realized that it is important for Eric and I to have some sort of activity aside from him. Its just he is so young and it is so early that I start to have super guilt. And that is a whole new bag of emotions.

Well we made our plans to leave. And we were bombarding my mom with do this and dont do that...and he needs this and not that. And of course the whole time my parents and brother were laughing at us. But its what I do. And it makes Eric and I feel better to know that we have said what we wish. And aside from that, well....it is what it is. We just hope everyone respects our wishes for how we want Logan cared for. And then at the end of the day, we know everyone just loves him, and that is what matters the most. So I get in the car and I call my parents right way to talk to them about burping him just to be funny.

Pretty much the whole night I really did just want to go home. And I really did just think about Logan. And I had no business being out if I am just not ready to do it. On top of my emotional need to be home with my little man, was the fact that physically I was exhausted. We did not leave there until 1:30am. OMG...we had to stay because we bought these stupid tickets to try to win more money after the tourney. I did enjoy conversations I had with our group. But really my heart was not in it. I was ready to go before we even left the house. Not a good way to have fun. Nobody knew this but Eric, and possibly Angel. As I would say I should check on Logan. And she would say "awwweee". hahah with a sad face. However, I did have some fun laughing and chatting it up with everyone.




By the time we left it was too cool and late out. So we stayed the night at my parents. We put the pack and play up in my old bedroom. Which Eric said, isnt it weird that your son is sleeping in your old bedroom? I was like hmmm I didnt think about that. But now that you say this...yes. haha Logan was fine the whole night. He slept the minute we left and was up eating when we got home. He didnt even know we were gone. And it is just one of those things I have to get use to. We have to have a life that consists of fun for Eric and I. And we will find a way to make it work. But for now...I just need to take baby steps. I truly love being with my baby. To me it is bigger and better than any dream or idea I have ever had. And I dont feel like I am going without. However, I know that my relationship with Eric has to continue to grow outside of being parents. We have to have our time together too. And so with very small baby movements, I will crawl to find that fine line between mother and wife.

Our next goal is to go out for my sisters birthday to see the Mega 80's. This is a ritual that Eric and I stumbled across. And we love to see these guys play whenever we can. Eric is pumped, and so is my sister. So with that being said....I need to start gearing up for 3 weeks from now. Because the plan is to go see the Mega 80's for Bells birthday. Wish me luck!